Best Actor Oscar
He reads his lines, conveys emotion and makes people believe.
Golden Globe
The world gets its pick for Prez and Hollywood celebrates.
Olympic Medal
Since they lost the actual Olympics, placing fourth out of four, Barack and Michelle get the gold in the Couples Self-Aggrandizing Speech competition.
Flamingo Award
He hasn't actually done anything for the gay sex community, but he should get this award for his good gay intentions.
Hero of Socialist Labor
He won Arafat's prize, why not Stalin's?
Albert Lasker Clinical
Medical Research Award
Typically, this goes to someone in the medical community, but since he will soon run the healthcare system, he needs the recognition.
Most Likely To Succeed
When he grows up and actually does something, he may do some great things. |
Pee In The Yard
Every day, Americans flush 4.8 billion gallons of water down the toilet. If we would all pee in the yard, we could save the planet.
Quit Your Job
No driving, fewer buildings to heat or cool and less consumption because you have less money. Utopia!
Eat With Your Hands
Forget plasticware or washing silverware. Just use what Mother Earth gave you...your fingers.
Don't Wash Your Clothes
40 gallons of water per laundry cycle? Pure waste.
Hold Your Breath
Stop expelling harmful CO2 into the atmosphere! Breathe less. You owe it to the planet.
Don't Vote
Campaigns are horrid energy hogs. If nobody votes, hopefully candidates will quit flying jets, driving motorcades and killing trees to print propaganda.
Die
Let's face it, fewer people means less consumption and waste. Reduce your carbon footprint and drop dead. |
Global warming is not melting the polar ice caps -- Sarah Palin is.
Sarah Palin quit doing beauty pageants so other women could have a chance.
A Kodiak bear once tried to stare down Sarah Palin. Once.
Sarah Palin became governor because five children left her with too much spare energy.
Tom Brady was impregnated by Sarah Palin...and then she left him.
Gov. Palin wears half the makeup as John Edwards and still looks twice as good.
The Northern Lights are not real. It is simply the heavens reflecting the glory of Gov. Palin. |
Gov. Mark Sanford: A shameful affair. But take note, democrats: a) it was with a woman, b) she's hot.
Rep. Alan Grayson: The Florida congressman says such idiotic things that a Dem representative called him "one fry short of a Happy Meal."
William "Dollar Bill" Jefferson: Caught with $90,000 in his freezer, but acquitted for the cold cash. Proof that a liberal judiciary has its benefits.
Sen. Chris Dodd: Banks get a taxpayer bailout while homeowners get foreclosed. So what's Dodd get? A sweetheart loan from Countrywide.
President Obama: He trained them, consulted with them and represented them, then ACORN counsels undercover reporters to bring underage prostitutes into the US and get a tax write-off.
Nancy Pelosi: ""I would not vote for her [again for speaker]. Someone that divisive and that polarizing cannot bring us together," an actively-serving Congressman said. He then added,
"If she doesn't like it, I've got a gift certificate to the mental health center."
That's the sentiment of a Democrat in the House. With friends like that...
Sens. John Kerry, Chuck Schumer, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton: We learned in '09 that as senators, "the buck stopped here." Millions of them, in fact. All stolen by their oft-employeed fundraiser Hassan Nemazee. Of course he's not a media darling; he gave election money to their ordained party. |
Red Means Pause, Yellow Means Go
Stop wasting gas idling. If it's clear, just go!
Get McFly
You saw Back To The Future. All you need is a skateboard and a passing vehicle to get anywhere.
Draft
Racecar drivers know that if you tailgate, you'll go faster. So get nice and close to save the world.
Hitchhike
Use that green thumb. I'm sure some nice person will pick you up.
Get A Blow-Up Doll
Inflatable Annie will enable you to ride in the HOV lane and use less dinosaur goop.
Drive Naked
Less weight means less gas, so shed those unneccesary pounds.
Walk
Americans are too fat anyway, so sell that cumbersome car and hoof it. If Obama is elected, the rest of us may be joining you soon, too. |
PTA President
She could get the title and bake cookies for a good cause.
L.A. Cop
Maybe she could finally beat a young black man.
Ambassador to Iran
Perhaps she can make Ahmadinejad "disappear" like the Rose Law Firm billing records.
Shepherd
Clintons can fleece a flock like no other.
Co-host of The View
We know they like loud-mouthed, liberal women.
Dolphins Cheerleader
At 1-15 in 2007, they need someone to cheer, "Never give up!"
Reality Show Host
A natural for "The Amazing Race," but I think she would fit better on "The Biggest Loser." Of course, Bill might prefer "Wife Swap." |
The U.P.
They say it's part of Michigan, but we know it's really Canada.
Nuevo Cuba
Also known as South Florida.
Obamabad
Let's honor the first Muslim-trained presidential candidate.
Sodom & Gomorrah
Formerly California and Massachusetts.
Mexico
We employ their people, prop up their currency and buy their drugs. Let's just make it simpler.
New Iraq
Kick out the bad ones, keep the good ones and start drilling for oil! |
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George Will
Far too brilliant for public office.
Dennis Miller
Forget fireside chats. We want weekend updates!
Glenn Beck
He may not be a politician, but he's a thinker.
Bono
My administration would freakin' rock.
Stephen King
His speeches would scare the crap out of terrorists.
Lynn Swann
So he's really in politics, but he was a Steeler!
Chuck Norris
You wanna negotiate? Talk to my VP. |
Gov. Rod Blagojevich: We got a Senate seat here...one gimme one million, do I see two?
John Edwards: Turns out "two Americas" was code language for "two women."
Gov. Eliot Spitzer: Giuliani cleaned the prositutes out of Times Square. Spitzer employed them.
Kwame Kilpatrick: The Detroit "hip hop" mayor cheated on his wife, lied to the world and fired those who could have exposed him.
Ted Stevens: Oil brought Alaska wealth. The oil companies brought the senator wealth.
Charles Rangel: When the New York Times says a Democrat is crooked, you know it has to be bad.
Al Franken: Profane comic-turned-politician makes Russia's elections look honest.
It was a banner year for liberals in every way! |
Racism: America can no longer be called a racist nation. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton can close up shop forever.
Global Warming: It's over. The earth is healed.
Middle East: They can now go back to killing people without any interference from us.
Clean Air: There will be no more pollution because coal plants will shut down and you won't be able to afford gas.
Over Population: Rampant AIDS and abortion should thin out the herd.
Class Envy: No more rich and no more poor. Just poor.
Huckabee: After four years of uncontrolled liberal destruction, America will beg for a true conservative and Gov. Mike Huckabee will be elected.
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